When To Make Love When You're Not In The Mood

By Maggie Vlazny, MSW, LCSW

In any relationship, there is always a discrepency in desire between partners. Once the infatuation phase is over and the hazy high clears, it also becomes clear that one partner desires more frequency than the other. This usually leads to tension and sometimes escalating conflict between people who otherwise love each other very much. The higher frequency partner can't understand why the feeling isn't mutual, and ends up feeling rejected, frustrated, and perhaps inadequate. Must be something wrong with me if she/he doesn't want me as much. The lower frequency partner feels pressured, frustrated, and also inadequate. It feels like its just never enough. (I am never enough.) It does not have to be this way. Both partners need to understand, again, that there is always a discrepency in desire between two people.

Here is a solution that has worked for my couples: First, never pressure, sulk, or criticize your partner into having sex with you. You may win the battle but you'll lose the war. Your partner will resent you and feel turned off by the whole thing and want it even less often than before. Second, never have sex to appease your partner or to keep the peace. You will feel used, resentful, and want it even less than before.

What the lower desire partner can do is to freely choose to initiate sex coming from a place of love and desire to meet your partner's needs. This can only happen in an already loving atmosphere, where there is no sense of coercion or power struggle going on about it. These are the times when you look across the room and feel warmth or affection or just think how lucky you are to have him or her. So even if you're not feeling sexual, you give yourself as a gift of love. What often results is that as you start to make love your body responds and you get a way bigger gift than you realized you were offering. Not only sexual desire and satisfaction, but connection to your partner and more love that you have made. Both physically and emotionally. A win win situation.