Communicating With Your Teenager

By Alexandra Pintauro, MA, LAC and Hemisha Massey, MA

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Adolescence marks a time of developmental oxymoronic chaos in which the struggles of a teenager are frequently overlooked. At this stage of development, adolescents are faced with the complexities of finding their place between childhood and adulthood, while developing an increased sense of independence and identity.

Teenagers experience multifaceted physical, mental, and emotional changes. There is a healthy yearning for them to separate from their parents; however, this can be anxiety provoking for everyone involved in the family system. While adolescents are going through these developmental changes, parents are going through their own. As a teenager is striving for more power and control over their lives, parents are dealing with issues of losing their power and control. This results in an inevitable power struggle which foundation lies in unhealthy communication.

The most important rule of communicating with your teenager is to be a good listener. If your child is willing to share something with you, try to listen without being judgmental or making any assumptions. By not prejudging your child, you are giving them the message that it is safe to talk to you. Embrace the fact that your child is choosing you to connect with on some level.

Listening does not mean agreeing. Although this is extremely difficult, try to find the patience within you to hold off saying or doing anything initially. The reason this can be difficult is because as a parent, you feel protective of your child. You immediately want to take action if you hear something that frightens you. Just try to put those fears on hold (temporarily) until your child has a chance to say what’s on his/her mind. You will have your chance too!

Reflect back what your teenager just said. It sounds so simple, but can be one of the most common communication errors parents make with their children. After you have listened to what they said, restate it. This will validate that you understand what they have said and will reinforce them talking to you in the future. Don’t discount what they have said by minimizing it. Rather, say something like, “It sounds like you felt badly about what happened.” It is also important to physically be a good listener. You can demonstrate this by making eye contact, staying focused, watching your teenager’s body language, and listening to the tone of their voice.

Create opportunities for your teenagers to talk to you. It’s never too late to create family traditions, which is a great opportunity for family discussions. Set up a date or time for just you and your teenager to spend some time alone together. This can be done once a week, or whatever is feasible for you. This designated “alone time” can make your teenager feel like an important part of your schedule and can help build a relationship between the two of you that isn’t always hostile. Respect your child’s boundaries if they don’t initially respond to these new family traditions. Try to be persistent without being pushy or authoritative. Let them know you love them and are concerned about what’s going on it their lives, and that you will always be available to listen when they are ready. In addition, encourage spontaneous, casual conversations.

You will get your chance to respond back to your teenager. It is important to ask questions to determine the appropriate time to respond. “Is there anything else you would like to share with me?”, “Would you like to know what I think?” By doing this, you are letting your teenager feel as if they have some control over the conversation. You are treating them like an adult who is important.

General Rules of Communication

• Respect your teenagers’ privacy. There is no better way to isolate your child then to read his/her journal or to listen in on phone calls. By respecting your teenagers’ need for privacy, you are inviting them to share their private life with you.
• Allow your teenager increasing independence. By doing this, they will develop a more positive sense of self and will be more prepared for adulthood.
• Apologize when you’ve made a mistake. By admitting when you are wrong, you are teaching them about mutual respect. You are demonstrating that it’s O.K. to make a mistake and encouraging them to own up to their own mistakes.
• Keep your teenagers’ secrets. By revealing their private information to others, you are giving them the message that you can’t be trusted and you run the risk of them not opening up again.
• Don’t nag or lecture. Try to avoid comments like, “when you were a child.” FYI: They don’t care!!!
• Use “I statements.” For example, when your child breaks a rule, instead of saying, “You never follow my rules” try saying, “I am concerned that you don’t follow the rules I make.” This will prevent them from feeling so attacked, and you get your point across more effectively.