Stepfamily Myths

By Maggie Vlazny, MSW, LCSW

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1. Love occurs instantly between the parent and the stepchild. This is the expectation that because you love your new partner you will automatically love his or her kids. Or, that the kids will automatically love you because their parent loves you. Wouldn't that be nice....but unlikely! Because of course all relationships take time, work, and commitment to develop. This means months, days, and years. The hardest part is having to accept the fact that you'll have to be willing to have a relationship with someone who may not want one with you. That hurts, and can cause feelings of anger and resentment. Adjustment to stepfamily life will be helped if we come to the new family with minimal and more realistic expectations. We may then be more satisfied and enjoy it when respect and friendship develop, and less disappointed if it takes longer than we expected. In other words, we're not setting ourselves up for disappointment, and we can be pleased with smaller, but valuable, beginnings of connection.

2. Older kids are usually more capable of handling marital transitions. Actually research indicates that the older the child, the longer the transition process. The older child has more history with their bio parents and more memories of the loss of their family as they knew it. The most successful form of parenting with older kids and adolescents is a warm, supportive role (think of yourself as a friendly aunt or uncle), with the bio parent as the rule enforcer.

3. Children of divorce and remarriage are forever damaged. No. I repeat, no. And no again. They do go through a period of adjustment after a divorce and/or remarriage, but if they get the proper support they will do just fine. What they need is empathy and help adjusting. Researchers have hopeful news about children of divorce and remarriage. Yes it takes a long time, but most kids do recover their emotional balance. Five to ten years later most are found to be no different, in many ways, from kids in first marriage families. What I have seen in my office is that, as with any loss, new strengths emerge: resiliency, adaptability, and emotional muscle.

4. Stepmothers are wicked. Please. Stepmothers rarely feed their children poison apples or make them sweep the fireplace while their bio kids go to balls. Maybe they lose their patience once in a while but so do bio parents. Its not exactly easy, is it? Step moms are by and large nice people wanting to do a good job and be loved and appreciated. Research tells us that stepmothers have the most difficult role in the stepfamily. 4.5 (My personal addition to the list) Stepfathers are wicked, abusive pedophiles. This generalization depicted in the media does stepfamily adjustment no good at all. There are tons of good, safe, moral stepfathers. Just like there are good, safe, moral clergy, bio fathers, uncles, partners, and other parents/guardians who happen to be men. Like my husband, as a matter of fact....

5. Adjustment to stepfamily life happens quickly. Don't expect this romantic dream to materialize, because you'll be disappointed. Again, understand that you don't really know people till you live with them, that this takes time, and when you have visiting kids the time stretches even longer. Stepfamilies are complicated and also need time to develop some family rituals and history. Again, usually at least 4 or 5 years.

6. Kids adjust to divorce and remarriage easier if the bio parents withdraw. No, all this does is create a painful loss that the child does not deserve. They need to be able to see the bio parent and think well of him or her. It's very important to the child's emotional health and adjustment. Visitation can be painful for the nonresidential parent, but over time everyone adapts and gets used to the exits and entries between households.

7. Stepfamilies formed after a parent dies are easier. It can be difficult for anyone to think realistically of a loved one who has died, particularly if you are a child. The tendency is to elevate the lost parent to sainthood, which complicates the grieving process. It's also, frankly, harder to compete with a sainted ghost than a living, imperfect human being. Also, when people remarry after a divorce they're generally looking for something different, or better, than they had before. After the death of a spouse, they may want a relationship very similar to the one they had before. This can leave the new spouse feeling like Dead Man Walking.

8. Part time stepfamilies are easier. No. Again, relationships take time and stepfamilies with visiting children obviously have less time. Since stepfamilies follow a developmental adjustment process, it will probably take the part time stepfamily longer to move through it.

9. In the beginning the primary focus should be on establishing the stepparent-stepchild relationship. It's actually more important to strengthen the couple relationship because this is the foundation that holds the family together. The bond between the new couple is the most important relationship of all, because if that connection breaks the family may break and no one wants to have to go through that again!

10. There's a legally recognized relationship between stepparent and stepchild. Legally a stepparent cannot authorize medical care for stepchildren or have access to their school records, among other rights.

Source: Stepfamily Association of America

Stepfamily Myths

By Maggie Vlazny, MSW, LCSW

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